Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
