Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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