You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
