she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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