We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
