im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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