I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
