So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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