in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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