just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
