if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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