I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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