Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
