Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
