i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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