I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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