Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
