bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
