Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
