While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
