I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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