maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just had sex on a roof
I have already put on my inside pants.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
