allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
