Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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