Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
