I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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