i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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