Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
