before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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