I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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