They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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