last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
