Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
...so i touched it.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
