don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
