It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
