I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
