her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
