is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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