it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
