why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
