peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
