We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
