Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
