Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
