your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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