I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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