That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
