Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
