so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
