youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
