I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
